7/9/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NY Times.

Hours of emotional debate ended early this morning when the South Carolina State House of Representatives voted 94 to 20 to remove the Confederate battle flag from the grounds of the Capitol. Both sides unanimously agreed, however, to not ever cover this incident in AP US History.

With banks closed until Monday and the government virtually out of money, Greece is on the verge of economic collapse. To be fair to Greece, though, there’s only so much a nation can do when they don’t have Donald Trump.

An interim police commissioner takes over in Baltimore after the mayor fired the police chief who was in charge during riots in the spring. On a related note, the complete box set of The Wire is now half off on Amazon.

Chuck Blazer, a former American soccer official who pleaded guilty to corruption charges, has been expelled for life by FIFA. His cats are still eligible for office.

The London Underground is in the midst of its first full-scale strike today in 13 years, in a dispute over pay. However, it wasn’t a disaster until the Ministry of Silly Walks also announced its closing.

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7/8/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NY Times.

Frustrated European leaders gave Greece until Sunday to reach an agreement to save its collapsing economy from catastrophe after an emergency summit meeting here on Tuesday ended without the Athens government offering a substantive new proposal to resolve its debt crisis. This response came after Greece said that, in terms of repaying their debt, they were “like, totally good for it, bro.”

In white, working-class Haralson County, the Confederate banner remains a revered symbol, not only of the Confederate dead, but of a unique regional identity. The county, I looked it up, is in Georgia, which makes sense as “unique” just isn’t the right word to use there.

An experimental program that increases subsidies for families who move to more expensive areas is based on research showing that ZIP codes matter to future success. Which makes sense, because if there’s one thing people willingly moving to Tribeca need, it’s help.

SurveyMonkey, a fast-growing online company whose chief executive, David Goldberg, died in May, said on Tuesday that William Veghte would fill the job. Mr. Veghte was chosen as successor, interestingly enough, in a free and easy-to-use process that only took a few minutes of his co-workers’ time.

The Grand Slam of Golf, an exhibition event in October, was to be held at Donald Trump’s golf course in Los Angeles but will be played elsewhere in light of his comments on Mexican immigrants. The replacement course, one that will be more palatable to golfers everywhere, is likely to be Donald Sterling’s.

3/23 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NY Times.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, 44, is the first major candidate to formally start a 2016 presidential campaign. Which is good for him, I suppose.

The Supreme Court justices will hear arguments today on whether Texas can refuse to issue a license plate featuring the Confederate flag without violating the free-speech rights of those who want one. And then, in the list of states that will never deal with such a controversy: Oklahoma.

Greece’s prime minister is meeting Chancellor Angela Merkel today amid growing concerns that Athens is running out of money. Chris Christie is similarly concerned that the region’s supply of tzatziki is dwindling.

President Obama is promoting investment in the U.S. to executives from around the world at a meeting in Maryland today. The aim is job creation. In a related note, the NY Times recently leapfrogged USA Today in the power rankings for Most Basic Headline Writing Possible.

They’re not as common in Major League Baseball as they are in football, but a new study suggests that position players who sustain concussions do not hit as effectively in their first weeks back after their injury. This is especially concerning for the Mets front office, as the team’s players spend most of their waking hours bemoaning their fate by banging their heads against walls.

2/20/15 Monologue Jokes

All headlines cribbed from the NY Times.

Finance ministers from the eurozone meet in Brussels today for negotiations on Greece’s request to have its loan agreements extended by six months. Meanwhile, 400 Payday Loans just opened up in Athens.

While California is experiencing its warmest winter on record, record-breaking cold will continue for the eastern third of the country, the National Weather Service says. The National Weather Service also said the chance of precipitation nationwide was between 0 and 100%, though, so what the hell do they know.

Having just released his 2015 economic report, President Obama will address the Democratic National Committee’s annual winter meeting today, as well as the Democratic Governors Association. The meetings will conclude, as they always do, with a rousing game of Pin the Tale on the Democratic Party Donkey and Bill Clinton committing lewd acts inside a phone booth.

A nutrition advisory panel that helps shape dietary guidelines in the U.S. has recommended sharp new limits on the amount of added sugar that Americans should consume. “Added sugar”? Maybe we should focus on just sugar first. Focusing on “added sugar” as the cause of unhealthiness in Americans is like worrying about secondhand smoke as the cause of lung problems in Italians.

The genetic testing company 23andMe has won approval from the Food and Drug Administration for a test for mutations that cause a rare disease. The rare disease? Wanting to work for the Food and Drug Administration.

2/19/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from something.

Marcus Paige.

Kennedy Meeks.

Roy Williams.

Kennedy Meeks’ dietitian. (I don’t care that he’s lost weight; he’s still got some damn work to do!)

The grades handed out on UNC midterms today.

2/18/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

President Obama will speak today about his administration’s efforts to counter violent extremism, part of a three-day conference he convened to discuss ways to prevent militant groups from finding recruits. His number one suggestion: a ban on the popular new dating app, ISISSwipe.

The greatest movement of people in the world is underway, as the Chinese travel home to celebrate the Lunar New Year. The Year of the Sheep begins on Thursday, but if you ask me, we’ve been living in the Decade of Sheeple under Obozo for a long time now, folks.

Separately, Gov. Bruce Rauner, a Republican, is proposing today big budget cuts for Illinois, which has the worst credit rating of any state. In other news, Mississippi is throwing a parade today.

Snapchat is looking to raise as much as $500 million in a new funding round that would value the company at up to $19 billion. Other folks seeking millions in funding today include Nic Cage’s agent and Gary Busey’s psychiatrist.

The New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez, who is returning from a yearlong suspension, issued a handwritten apology to the team and fans but did not offer details about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. I, for one, am fine with fewer details about his drug use. “Day 1: I stuck a needle in my ass. Day 2: I stuck a needle in my ass. Day 3 was totally different–I stuck two needles in my ass.”

2/17/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

A federal judge in Texas has issued an injunction halting the president’s executive actions that would protect from deportation millions of people who are in the U.S. illegally. The judge’s target was a little unclear until he himself began referring to it as the “Mexican’t Injunction” while working the adjacent piñata like a damn speedbag.

Winter storm conditions and arctic air will affect much of the U.S. today–the federal government’s Washington-area offices are closed today, which is expected to lead to a very genuine chorus of “thanks, Obama.”

The U.S. has embedded surveillance and sabotage tools in computers and networks in Afghanistan, China, Iran, Pakistan, Russia and other countries, according to a report by cybersecurity experts. In other news, Nic Cage just announced his next movie role–he’ll be portraying a computer in Afghanistan.

The Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York will be selected tonight, which is great news for those viewers who’ve just completely given up.

The federal government has approved the first genetically modified apples in the U.S. Personally, I’m not impressed until I see the first genetically modified Fruit By The Foot.