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Folks, I normally don’t like to throw the word “hero” around, but we’re here now so there’s no need to hold back. I’ve probably played a big role in your life so far, assuming that you’re part of the burgeoning crowd that listens to “chill house” music on the internet, whether on SoundCloud, YouTube, or some off-brand distributor.

Because the house music experience isn’t really complete until you have a visual pairing for it, the cheese to the auditory wine that is LCAW. You need something that evokes the right mood, the feeling that you should be–nay, deserve–to be poolside or beachside with an attractive lady at this very moment. In that sense, I am the Robin Hood of your music experience, only if Robin Hood wore tanks instead of tights and had a great appreciation for “pretty sick drops.”

That’s right: I’m the second-leading purveyor of photos of women on beaches / in water, wearing tanks and hats, perhaps bikinis, not looking at the camera, whilst also generally appearing to have a good time. It is a thankless job, but a job that must be done.

A good picture must tell a story. It may be a simple story, but it is a story nonetheless. It may be a remarkably simple story, such as “holy s— that girl’s attractive and on a beach…nice.” It may be a story boasting a required reading level south of that of Clifford the Big Red Dog, but regardless. The point I hope to hammer home is the difficulty of my job.

Perhaps you, the naive listener, think you could adequately fill my shoes. Rest assured that nothing could be further from the truth. You are no more qualified to take my position as you are to scale Kilimanjaro with but a toothpick in hand. Consider the multitude of obstacles involved:

  • Every time you go to the beach / pool, you need to bring a camera with you.
  • The other folks at the beach / pool must be appropriately attired (i.e. in tank / bikini).
  • Sometimes, when you go to the beach / pool, it’s cloudy. This condition will make the picture simply untenable.

Given these constraints, there is roughly only a 70% chance that any journey to the beach / pool will result in a picture befitting a mixtape. As a result, the industry simply demands an individual willing to thrive in these difficult circumstances, willing to commit himself to the documentation of such a lifestyle. I have risen to the call again and again, and will continue to do so in the future.

I must break ever so briefly here to raise a point of concern. Recently I have become aware of some artists who are using knockoff photos of this ilk–some have even used the phrase “imitators.” While I would deign to provide such a cookie-cutter alarm (the proverbial “beware of imitator” language more befitting a Sham-Wow commercial than the art I create), I would be remiss to not defend myself. Utilizing these stock photo bastardizations goes against the very essence of chill house music: I may go so far as to call it “unchill.” It cheapens the spontaneity, the honesty, the authenticity of the beach/bikini/gaiety-effusing accoutrement I work so hard to craft.

So, my musical friend, I ask you to take a second the next time you log on to your auditory website of choice. When you queue up your song, be sure to eyeball the accompanying image. While it may appear staid, if you study it long enough, it will–not unlike the Mona Lisa–become dynamic, an energetic organism that simply breathes further life into the music.

I simply supplicate your appreciation, nothing more. I believe that the great Greek philosopher Nas once said, “The world is yours.” To you, I posit: the beach is yours–so make the most of it.

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