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One of the fine, authentic DC Chinatown establishments I frequent is Lime Fresh Mexican Grill. The description of Lime, in purely Chipotle-based terms, is a blend of authoritarian and caring—authoritarian from its eschewing of the laissez-faire, have-it-all attitude Chipotle cultivates; caring from its propensity to make more than 3 kinds of damn salsa.

Honestly, that’s the calling card of Lime—the food is good, sure, but the salsa is as fresh as portrayed, and outperforms the vague viscosities that Chipotle probably draws from locally-sourced vats. Lime, in an instance of hyper-aware branding, recognizes both its comparative advantage in the #SalsaSpace and its, relatively speaking, upstart nature. Which wouldn’t be a problem for customers, except that in accordance with corporate and social media law, it means that we’re involuntarily subjected to quirky salsa descriptions.

Well, it’s not fair to paint with so broad a brush—some descriptions are just that: purely descriptive. After all, it’s hard to portray pineapple salsa as anything but “fresh” and “fruity.”

No, the real culprits here are the hot sauces—the sauces that, throughout time, have used witty slogans to engage in a preemptive pissing contest, simply to see who can molest your taste buds to the greatest degree. In the grand scheme of things, Lime’s descriptions are probably par for the course (Wikipedia tells me I need a citation here). But since I want the Lime concept to succeed, and I think these proverbial new kids on the block have what it takes to make it, I’d like to throw some slogan suggestions their way.

  • Salsa Roja: “You think you know pain? You haven’t known pain.”
  • Pico de Gallo: “Wow. Sh*t. I mean, holy sh*t.”
  • Salsa Cruda: “You will need to drown yourself in an ice bath after this.”
  • Salsa Verde: “We only offer this on the off-chance a kid walks in here. If you want a man’s salsa, keep looking.”
  • Salsa Taquera: “[incomprehensible swearing]”
  • Picante: “Your life will go downhill from this point forward.”
  • Pineapple Salsa: “Fresh. Fruity. Fierce. Fiery. Fuego.”
  • Mole Sauce: “If you thought you were going to be productive after this, think again.”
  • Tomatillo: “I don’t mean to exaggerate, but if you have this three times in a given week, you will undoubtedly lose your job.”
  • Salsa Asada: “We’ve already called 911 on your behalf.”
  • Salsa Brava: “Our prayers are with your family.”

I’ve begun the correspondence with the Lime social media team, and will update once I hear back.

I’m waiting with baited, fiery breath.

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