3/23 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NY Times.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, 44, is the first major candidate to formally start a 2016 presidential campaign. Which is good for him, I suppose.

The Supreme Court justices will hear arguments today on whether Texas can refuse to issue a license plate featuring the Confederate flag without violating the free-speech rights of those who want one. And then, in the list of states that will never deal with such a controversy: Oklahoma.

Greece’s prime minister is meeting Chancellor Angela Merkel today amid growing concerns that Athens is running out of money. Chris Christie is similarly concerned that the region’s supply of tzatziki is dwindling.

President Obama is promoting investment in the U.S. to executives from around the world at a meeting in Maryland today. The aim is job creation. In a related note, the NY Times recently leapfrogged USA Today in the power rankings for Most Basic Headline Writing Possible.

They’re not as common in Major League Baseball as they are in football, but a new study suggests that position players who sustain concussions do not hit as effectively in their first weeks back after their injury. This is especially concerning for the Mets front office, as the team’s players spend most of their waking hours bemoaning their fate by banging their heads against walls.

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