2/20/15 Monologue Jokes

All headlines cribbed from the NY Times.

Finance ministers from the eurozone meet in Brussels today for negotiations on Greece’s request to have its loan agreements extended by six months. Meanwhile, 400 Payday Loans just opened up in Athens.

While California is experiencing its warmest winter on record, record-breaking cold will continue for the eastern third of the country, the National Weather Service says. The National Weather Service also said the chance of precipitation nationwide was between 0 and 100%, though, so what the hell do they know.

Having just released his 2015 economic report, President Obama will address the Democratic National Committee’s annual winter meeting today, as well as the Democratic Governors Association. The meetings will conclude, as they always do, with a rousing game of Pin the Tale on the Democratic Party Donkey and Bill Clinton committing lewd acts inside a phone booth.

A nutrition advisory panel that helps shape dietary guidelines in the U.S. has recommended sharp new limits on the amount of added sugar that Americans should consume. “Added sugar”? Maybe we should focus on just sugar first. Focusing on “added sugar” as the cause of unhealthiness in Americans is like worrying about secondhand smoke as the cause of lung problems in Italians.

The genetic testing company 23andMe has won approval from the Food and Drug Administration for a test for mutations that cause a rare disease. The rare disease? Wanting to work for the Food and Drug Administration.


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