2/18/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

President Obama will speak today about his administration’s efforts to counter violent extremism, part of a three-day conference he convened to discuss ways to prevent militant groups from finding recruits. His number one suggestion: a ban on the popular new dating app, ISISSwipe.

The greatest movement of people in the world is underway, as the Chinese travel home to celebrate the Lunar New Year. The Year of the Sheep begins on Thursday, but if you ask me, we’ve been living in the Decade of Sheeple under Obozo for a long time now, folks.

Separately, Gov. Bruce Rauner, a Republican, is proposing today big budget cuts for Illinois, which has the worst credit rating of any state. In other news, Mississippi is throwing a parade today.

Snapchat is looking to raise as much as $500 million in a new funding round that would value the company at up to $19 billion. Other folks seeking millions in funding today include Nic Cage’s agent and Gary Busey’s psychiatrist.

The New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez, who is returning from a yearlong suspension, issued a handwritten apology to the team and fans but did not offer details about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. I, for one, am fine with fewer details about his drug use. “Day 1: I stuck a needle in my ass. Day 2: I stuck a needle in my ass. Day 3 was totally different–I stuck two needles in my ass.”

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