2/17/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

A federal judge in Texas has issued an injunction halting the president’s executive actions that would protect from deportation millions of people who are in the U.S. illegally. The judge’s target was a little unclear until he himself began referring to it as the “Mexican’t Injunction” while working the adjacent piñata like a damn speedbag.

Winter storm conditions and arctic air will affect much of the U.S. today–the federal government’s Washington-area offices are closed today, which is expected to lead to a very genuine chorus of “thanks, Obama.”

The U.S. has embedded surveillance and sabotage tools in computers and networks in Afghanistan, China, Iran, Pakistan, Russia and other countries, according to a report by cybersecurity experts. In other news, Nic Cage just announced his next movie role–he’ll be portraying a computer in Afghanistan.

The Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York will be selected tonight, which is great news for those viewers who’ve just completely given up.

The federal government has approved the first genetically modified apples in the U.S. Personally, I’m not impressed until I see the first genetically modified Fruit By The Foot.


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