2/16/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

In New York City, a rise in employment in tourist-based and tech companies has outstripped the high-paying securities sector, which once fueled job creation. The securities sector was reportedly OK with this, saying “it’s fine as long as they’re as depressed as we are.”

As oil prices slip, North Dakota struggles to get a firm grip on its budget. The adorable prairie dog Budget, owned jointly by North Dakota and South Dakota, went missing over the weekend. If found, please contact your local prairie dog authority.

Proposed regulations requiring daylight flights with craft always being kept in sight might ground planned delivery services like Amazon’s Prime Air. This shouldn’t be a big hindrance to consumers–if you still want something left on your doorstep in the middle of the night, you can live in a Manhattan apartment with Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson.

The dispute over wages and benefits among rail workers is likely to disrupt major industries throughout North America, including automakers and oil companies. One group that won’t be disrupted is passengers, however, because Amtrak is simply garbage.

Two start-ups are trying to lower cellphone costs by relying on Wi-Fi routers, and now some of the bigger companies are looking to follow their lead. Namely, Verizon has recently started a campaign pledging to cut these routers in half.


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