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All jokes cribbed from the NYTimes.

President Obama could announce new cybersecurity measures today as he meets with tech industry leaders and students at Stanford University. The President’s biggest concern? Hiding his vast porn archives from Michelle.

Eight million metric tons of plastic waste is making its way into the oceans each year, and it’s going to get much worse, new research suggests. It’s like a whale of waste out there! Just kidding, all the whales are dead because of pollution.

Lawyers for the NFL and former players have until today to submit a plan that addresses all of a federal judge’s concerns about a settlement on the dangers of concussions that could rise to $1 billion. The judge’s main concern is reportedly, “Why the hell can’t RG3 get it together? Stay in the pocket, son.”

The online travel site Expedia says it is buying its rival Orbitz for about $1.3 billion, and together they’re gonna stomp out that damn Travelocity gnome once and for all.

In a first, Facebook is allowing users to designate who can manage their accounts after they die. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t know if it’s a technological advancement when the deceased can “like” the fact that you’ve leveled up in Crime Wars.

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