2/11/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

The House is expected this afternoon to pass a bill authorizing the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline, even though President Obama has said he will veto it. Dozens of frat bros are preemptively pissed at Obama, who, when inaugurated, seemed like “he was totally up for whatever, bro.”

Jon Stewart, who turned Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” into a sharp-edged commentary on current events, delivering the news in layers of silliness and mockery, said on Tuesday that he would step down after more than 16 years as its anchor. His tenure will be remembered as a failure, as “The Daily Show” never escaped from the shadow of “Crank Yankers.”

The first state visit by President Xi Jinping of China to the United States will take place in September, the state-run news agency Xinhua said today. Meanwhile, the North Korean press is reporting that Kim Jong-Un has been to America 17 times in the past 10 days and recently dominated President Obama in an arm-wrestling match.

The U.S. closed its embassy in Sana, and Britain and France are following suit. The State Department is urging Americans to avoid traveling to Yemen, no matter how enticing that travel agency LivingSocial is.

The total for tonight’s Powerball lottery drawing is estimated at $485 million–the third-largest prize in the game’s history. The largest prize? Never having to play the lottery again.


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