2/5/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

A Mississippi bill that would have created a new immunization exemption was heavily amended on Tuesday, leaving the state’s rigid requirements effectively intact. Before you heavily praise the state, keep in mind that a Mississippi immunization is actually just a double-shot of Pepto-Bismol.

The Federal Aviation Administration is considering new rules for drones, but some say imposing broad limitations could quash the technology, moving innovation overseas. My suggestion is to give the drones colorful balloons like the house from Up. So it’s, like, this frightening dystopic technology but OOOOHH COLORS.

GM’s workers will receive profit-sharing payouts of up to $9,000 each, after the company opted not to factor in recall costs. It’s a really nice gesture, as now the workers can use these payouts to fix their Chevy Malibus.

North Korea said Wednesday that it saw no reason to negotiate with the “gangster-like” United States any more, warning that it was ready to fight any type of war with Americans, including ones involving cyberattacks and nuclear weapons. Wait, why are people still talking about The Interview?

In a major coup, the Paris Opera Ballet has secured one of the dance world’s biggest names, William Forsythe, as the company’s associate choreographer. It’s a culmination of lots of years of hard work: Forsythe first rose to operatic notoriety by dancing in alleyways and screaming Nessun Dorma while black out drunk.


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