2/4/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

Harper Lee’s new book, “Go Set a Watchman,” focuses on the “To Kill A Mockingbird” character of Scout as an adult, and was written in the 1950s. It will be published in July, and it will describe in shocking detail Scout’s steady transformation into a Neo-Nazi, because perhaps unsurprisingly, Scout grew up hating his father and everything he stood for.

The share of American nonsmokers exposed to secondhand smoke fell to 25 percent in 2012 from 53 percent in 2000, according to an analysis of health data. It’s not all good news, though: the share of American nonsmokers exposed to thirdhand smoke–hearing someone complain about being exposed to secondhand smoke–has risen exponentially in recent years.

Money for the Department of Homeland Security runs out on Feb. 27 unless the Congress acts, but the G.O.P. wants to withhold money to stop President Obama’s immigration policies, which has led to a stalemate in Congress with the Democrats blocking the proposed G.O.P. bill. It’s actually just a huge misunderstanding: the G.O.P. taking money from Obama is simply their way of showing appreciation for Black History Month.

Standard & Poor’s, accused of inflating its ratings of mortgage investments that spurred the 2008 financial crisis, also signed a statement that outlined its role in the crisis, but did not admit to wrongdoing. It’s the second declaration of the sort in the past couple days, as yesterday Tobey Maguire signed a similar statement outlining his role in making Spider-Man 3, but shockingly did not admit to wrongdoing.

The first quarter of Disney’s 2015 fiscal year beat expectations by a wide margin, offsetting a modest decline at ESPN. Let me take the time to say that–although this likely has myriad implications for the business of sports coverage going forward–absolutely no one cares about your tweets, Darren Rovell.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s