2/3/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

President Obama’s proposed $478 billion construction spree would seek to upgrade roads, bridges and ports, using money from new taxes on overseas earnings by American companies. This is part of a sweeping set of Obama’s reforms that are collectively known as “Raise Rush Limbaugh’s Blood Pressure.”

Based on a new ruling, intelligence analysts will be required to delete private information they may incidentally collect about Americans that has no intelligence purpose. Depending on how strictly “intelligent purpose” is defined, this could be bad news for intelligence analyst interns, as they’ll potentially be spending the next few weeks deleting terrabytes of links from 4Chan.

A research group says that by improving educational performance, the United States could increase its gross domestic product over the next 35 years. This was just one of many fascinating findings from the researchers at Throw Sh*t at the Wall University.

Uber is partnering with Carnegie Mellon University, a hotbed for research in robotics and other artificial intelligence, to open a center for research on self-driving cars. Coincidentally, hundreds of drunks in NYC will soon begin research on just how to maintain a 5 rating while throwing up in these cars.

New York’s attorney general said that tests on popular store brands of herbal supplements at Walmart, Walgreens, Target and GNC found that roughly four out of five of the products contained none of the herbs listed on the labels. The attorney general went on to say that most of the herbs he’d found at Walgreens were “just, like, straight oregano” and that his buddy J-Man was traveling and “gonna nab some of that dope stuff in California.”


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