2/2/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

The New England Patriots became the sixth N.F.L. franchise to win four Super Bowls with a 28-24 victory over the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday. Personally, I think it’s great for the city of Boston: for one day out of the year, the city completely shifts from being an amalgam of angry drunk racists to being an amalgam of jovial drunk racists.

Four million adults in the 22 states that did not expand Medicaid earn too much for that program but too little to receive federal subsidies for coverage. It’s very sad until you remember that one of those four million is Frankie Muniz.

Matt Adamczyk, Wisconsin’s newly elected Republican treasurer, is so committed to cutting needless expenses that he has promised to eliminate his own office. When his office secretary outlined the logistics of this plan and the hardships it would entail, Adamczyk silently vowed to “cut that b—-” as well.

Ads broadcast during the SuperBowl this year had the usual celebrities, animals and slapstick comedy, but ones celebrating fatherhood, happiness and proclamations of love dominated. Perhaps the most touching was the trailer for Ted 2, in which Ted–with tears in his eyes–delivers a heart-wrenching outpouring of emotional support for his son, a gay rubber ducky.

On Friday, in an uncommon display of humility, Uber pledged to strengthen its user data privacy practices, acknowledging that “we haven’t always gotten it right.” However, Uber will likely go back on this proclamation in coming days, once the company sees that the 10% decline in log-in rates among 45-49 year-old divorcees in Wichita who’ve recently defaulted on a bank loan.


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