1/30/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

Dartmouth’s president announced a prohibition on hard liquor Thursday as part of a far-ranging overhaul of campus life. Many experts thinks he’s out of touch with reality, not because of the ban, but because he said with a smile, “There’s so much else to do beside drink in Hanover, New Hampshire!”

Wayne County officials have warned that 62,000 Detroit properties are subject to foreclosure, and hundreds of residents who are behind on their property taxes and face foreclosure sought help to save their homes. Which means if you’re looking to buy up property, today is your lucky day, just like the past seven years were also your lucky day.

Shake Shack, the burger brand that announced its IPO Thursday, is part of fast-food movement that has emphasized fresh food and friendliness, a tack that will value the company at around $745 million. Funny, I don’t remember them being that “friendly” when I showed up at 1:45 AM and locked myself in the bathroom for three hours. In fact, the only person they were “friendly” with was the squad of police officers who they called to the scene.

Amazon delivered better earnings than expected in the fourth quarter, breaking a recent pattern of disappointments. The best thing? For Prime members, the better earnings were delivered for free within two days.

In the Super Bowl, coaches have historically and frequently made decisions that damaged their teams’ chances to win a championship. For example, both Mike Martz and Mike Tomlin have punted on 4th-and-short in good field position recently, and in an unforgettable bone-headed move in 2000, Giants head coach Jim Fassel tried to win the Super Bowl while starting quarterback Kerry Collins.


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