1/29/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

Despite rulings declaring bans on same-sex marriage unconstitutional in their states, state legislators in Oklahoma, South Carolina, and Texas have introduced bills that would prohibit the issuing of marriage licenses to gay couples. As an olive branch, those states did say that they’d be in favor of issuing hunting permits to gay couples, as well as Class C driver’s licenses.

The Obama administration tension with Israel is over Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s acceptance of Republican leaders’ invitation to address Congress about Iran without consulting the White House. Like most other historical tensions with Israel, though, this is expected to all blow over pretty quickly.

A big increase in Facebook stock payouts to employees helped push expenses up, and the stock was down in after-hours trading. Facebook tried to restrict the sharing of this news, but it reportedly blew up online.

The Federal Reserve gave its most upbeat economic assessment since the recession, though it did say inflation remains sluggish. “You want inflation? Just print some more money,” said millions of Americans who have no idea what the Fed actually does.

New technologies have the potential to divide a variety of traditional jobs into tasks that can be assigned to people just when they’re needed. As an example, one new app can divide the role of bathroom attendant into a towel dispenser and, well, nothing.


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