1/28/15 Monologue Jokes

All stories cribbed from the NYTimes.

Although the tri-state area wasn’t hit hard by winter storm Juno, high winds and whiteout conditions swept across New England as the storm moved up the East Coast, leaving the island of Nantucket without power. Speaking of which, we have some breaking news: people live in Nantucket in the winter.

The Obama administration moved Tuesday to open up a vast stretch of East Coast waters to oil and gas drilling. This makes no sense to me. I mean, folks, if they wanted to find a body full of oil and gas on the East Coast, they should just start drilling inside Chris Christie!

A growing number of big American multinational companies have begun to suffer from lower oil prices and a strong dollar. “Oh no,” said literally the entire rest of America. “Anything but cheap gas and a strong currency.”

In 2013, the concentration of income among the richest Americans remained at levels last seen nearly a century ago. “But in 2014, our luck’s sure gonna change!” said your optimistic postman Gil, a comment which put a smile on your face, until you remembered that Gil doesn’t understand how things work. I mean, he doesn’t even use Stamps.com, which gives you $55 in free postage!*

*This joke paid for by Stamps.com.

After a lengthy back-and-forth, the Obama administration has agreed to let Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana, a Republican, expand Medicaid on his own terms, including some that have not been allowed before under federal rules. Later in a press conference, Pence said that it was shocking that jars of Hellman’s mayonnaise weren’t considered a medical expense.


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