Monologue Jokes 1/26/15

All headlines cribbed from the NYTimes

President Obama came to an agreement with Prime Minister Narendra Modi of India on nuclear energy, renewed a 10-year defense pact, agreed to joint military hardware production and resolved to work with India to reduce the threat of greenhouse gas emissions. Despite these successes, Obama was unable to make progress of his biggest initiative: figuring out how the hell cricket is still popular.

A radio show featuring questions from the public provides an unfiltered picture of Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey and would-be presidential candidate. Listeners are thrilled that this is a radio show rather than a TV program, as that unfiltered picture would undoubtedly be pretty goddamn disgusting.

Mitt Romney’s Mormon faith is tied to his sense of service and patriotism, and he may embrace it more openly in a third presidential campaign. Even better, his faith allows him to embrace this third campaign as much as his first and second campaigns, but doesn’t prevent him from also potentially embracing a fourth, fifth, and even a sixth campaign.

Cablevision will offer a low-cost mobile phone service providing unlimited data, talking and text for as low as $9.95 a month, but coverage could be spotty. For instance, it’s unclear when coverage will start, but it’s promised to happen sometime this Monday between 2 PM and 6 PM.

Heading into the Super Bowl, an us-against-the-world theme is emerging for the New England Patriots. The theme strengthens itself even more if you replace “us” with “Bill Belichick” and “the world” with “the innocence of properly-inflated footballs.”


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