The Two-Minute Chipotle Bag Essay to End Two-Minute Chipotle Bag Essays

For context, if you haven’t eaten at a Chipotle in the past six months or so: Chipotle has adorned its bags with brief, “two-minute” pieces by notable authors–Michael Lewis, George Saunders, Jonathan Safran Foer, etc. The pieces themselves range from fine to very good, but I can’t help but thinking the goal here–ostensibly to “cultivate thought”–outkicks its coverage, leading to essays tackling major, systemic societal problems, such as limited resource allocation, when a man’s just trying to get away from it all and enjoy some goddamn barbacoa and sour cream. So, to help Chipotle out and cater more to their customer base, I followed my friend “Tuck”* to the neighborhood Chipotle and gathered his thoughts to create an essay with a more appropriate/representative level of discourse.

*All names here have been both made up and subsequently changed.


The Two-Minute Case for Time Travel

By Tuck Chester

Time travel would be so sweet. If we got time travel really going, and we can–we put a man on the moon for Chrissakes–I could definitely stop Hitler. Like, I would just hop in my pod or whatever–yeah, I’d have a pod, Ricky. Why would you even say that? Obviously once time travel develops and is on the up-and-up, we’re gonna all have pods next to the fireplace that we, like, spin inside and just hop back 80 years. …OK, it doesn’t have to be the fireplace, Ricky. I was just using an example.


Point is, once we do that, we can all change the bad things in our history. Like with Hitler. We’ll just hop back to the ’30s and find him and say, like, knock it off man. Like what’s the big idea. And if we needed to we could take him out, get the dude in a sleeper hold and suplex the shit out of him. Or we could go back to when there was segregation and everything, and we could…hey, is the guac in here? I asked them for guac. I SPECIFICALLY oh here it is. That would have been bad. Get outta here, Rick. This is my guac. If you wanted some, you coulda paid for it. It’s, like, 2 bucks, man. C’mon.

We’d probably have to do some serious research to get time travel working. For what I’ve read, there’s probably a lot of logistics and kinks that need ironing out. But if we can knock that out in the next decade or so, that’d leave plenty of time for me to go back and just absolutely two-piece Hitler. I could go later, yeah, but I want to go at my physical peak–I bet he’s a wily guy. Oh, bullshit, Ricky. He’d eat you alive. When you fight, you’re all arms. You flail. You lack strategy. …Ok, ok. But what about this: would you rather fight 1 rhino-sized Hitler, or one Hitler-sized rhino?

Holy shit, now there’s a thought.

I’m out of space, but in conclusion, I think time travel could be very helpful to society in general, and I would very much like to fight Hitler at some point in the near future.


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