5 Movie Pitches I Am Sincerely Making

Willing to develop a Kickstarter for any of these. Potential investors please let me know.

Never Been Poked: Awkward social media intern Jasmine Druthers (Emma Stone) is fresh out of college and lives with regrets. Bad first dates. Clumsy hallway encounters. But when her supervisor (David Cross) backs her bold new initiative to get the company out of the red, she gets a second chance to relive and repair her memories of the ivory tower.

Enter Jazz D.: her new Facebook profile. She’s got plenty of friends and plenty of likes. And her status–like her star on campus–is trending up.

It’s a race against the clock as “Jazz” tries to make it through college both under-the-radar and over-the-top, living out every girl’s dream. Too bad she’s caught the eye of one Facebook intern (Michael Cera) who thinks this Jazz cat could be too good to be true. Now the only question is…can she also snag his heart?

Not Without My Daughtry: Sam “Slammin’ Sam” Cunningham (Danny McBride) likes to rock. Lives to rock. He wants a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but all he manages is to get the bigwigs stepping over him at every turn.

But when his favorite band Daughtry comes to perform in his podunk town, Sam’s band opens, and he plays the set of his life. Then, Daughtry’s drummer mysteriously falls ill, and Sam suddenly finds himself on tour with his idols.

The only person not inspired by this tale? Sam’s old high school rival and Rolling Stone editor Jeff Patterson (John C. Reilly), who thinks all of these coincidences are falling a little too squarely on the beat.

May Day: Jack May (Nicolas Cage) is the top neuroscientist in North America, and has spearheaded the creation of a drug that completely eliminates the pain threshold in humans. But he soon finds himself wrongly accused of unethical studies and forced to forfeit his role as head researcher at the Mayo Clinic. He retreats to a cabin deep in the North Dakota mountains, and from there, things only go downhill.

His usurper, Ted Dunning (Bradley Cooper), has ties to a terrorist organization that’s planning a major attack at the Winter Olympics in St. Paul.  Armed with May’s drug, Dunning qualifies for the biathlon, and the fireworks are all set to go off.

There’s only one man who can stop it. And maybe Jack May can’t ski, but he sure can hustle.

(Not So) Funny Man: Past-his-prime comedian Mel Peters (Louis C.K.) is up against it: he’s got debts to settle, mouths to feed. The only thing he doesn’t have is a good-paying gig.

Just when he’s about to return to the fast times of the big city, there’s a lightning strike. Then a flash flood. Then a mysterious tumor. All of a sudden, things aren’t so funny for Mr. Peters. Things are happening. Things…he can’t quite understand. Now, when he performs he can’t get the laughs he wants. He’s not even sure he wants to laugh anymore. And his psychiatrist (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) thinks that he should get off the stage while he still can.

What she doesn’t know, though, is that Mel’s disastrous set is just beginning.

Operation 4-4-2: Stephen Lindsey’s (Alan Rickman) hedge fund is bleeding cash like a stuck pig. Forced to rely on gimmick investment strategies, he stumbles upon an interesting finding in his research: the economy of the country winning the World Cup sees a major boon in the months following the tournament. Too bad the majority of the fund’s money is shorting the markets of host nation and pre-tourney favorite England. There’s only one solution–he has to rig the biggest soccer tournament on the planet.

Enter Jack Lindsey (Benedict Cumberbatch): Stephen’s estranged son, who just happens to be the best bloody goalkeeper in England. Now Stephen has to reach out to him and convince him to let in a couple howlers. And if Jack doesn’t agree, then maybe hedge fund heavy Patrice Patrick (Idris Elba) will have to pay him a visit.

As the big match approaches, Stephen will learn which bonds are stronger: the formation’s, or the family’s?


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