7/16 Monologue Jokes

Unpredictable hours and on-call shifts have kindled a nationwide movement to give part-time workers more rights. For example, the public is generally in-favor of providing health insu–Consuela, look at my finger. Look at it! Dust, everywhere. Todo! Si? Si, comprende?–imum wage.

When asked by federal regulators to explain deadly crashes, G.M. repeatedly said it had no answers – despite having reached internal conclusions on the causes. To be fair, though, G.M. was reportedly “really nervous,” because they’re not the ones who are ever expected to have answers.

A panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit on Tuesday said the University of Texas at Austin used race narrowly enough to meet the standard laid out by the Supreme Court. The majority opinion, in full, was as follows: “Brisket dont [sic] ‘scriminate.”

In most of the races that will decide control of the United States Senate, Democratic candidates raised more than their Republican opponents during the three months ending in June. “You know who also raised a lot of money?” an incensed Ann Coulter was overheard saying. “Adolf freakin’ Hitler, that’s who.”

Most cigarette flavorings have been outlawed since 2009, out of concern that they lure the young into nicotine addiction, but the industry is adding hundreds of e-cigarette flavors every month. The burst of flavors has reportedly nothing to do with the fact that industry lobbyists got together to buy “this pimpin’ new” white van with tinted windows that they plan to park outside the Little League World Series next month.

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