7/14 Monologue Jokes

All story lead-ins cribbed from NYTimes online.

Both Germany and Argentina had solid chances throughout the game, but Germany finally scored in the 113th minute, lifting the country to its fourth World Cup title. It’s the Germans’ first international championship since 1990 and they are filled with confidence and patriotic vigor and are shouting in the streets, which is completely fine and unconcerning because we haven’t learned a goddamn thing now, have we.

Some people on the island of Nantucket want to establish a nonprofit funeral service, but they are being opposed by powerful organizations representing Massachusetts’ cemeteries and funeral directors. The silver lining is that everyone on Nantucket is at least a couple decades away from dying, so the officials can take their time hashing this one out.

A law to make marijuana possession in the District of Columbia punishable by only a $25 ticket has ignited a feud between Washington’s mayor and a Republican House member. Historians compare this feud favorably to that of the ’90s, when then-mayor Marion Barry tried to make public consumption of crack cocaine in the District legal as long as the crack was covered up with a paper bag.

A three-year deal will give Hulu exclusive rights to stream the huge back catalog of “South Park,” as well as the current season’s episodes. The deal was announced in conjunction with Hulu’s new ad campaign–Hulu: We’re Still Trying.

The site BitTorrent, whose namesake software is often used for illegal file-sharing, is teaming up with film producers and musicians to charge for downloads. Its current partners include the incomparable Denis Leary and Carlos Mencia.


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