7/13 Monologue Jokes

All story lead-ins cribbed from the NYTimes online page.

A private equity company that is funding the restoration of Louisiana wetlands plans to sell environmental credits to private developers and government agencies. For readability purposes, the credits will be written by someone not from Louisiana.

After a sheriffs association sought to ban unconcealed weapons, fearing they might frighten voters, the state’s attorney general ruled that guns could be openly displayed at polling sites. The attorney general also ruled that, in order to not frighten voters, their ex’s alimony requests and their incredibly blank resumes would also be openly displayed.

Gas tax increases are unpopular, so Congress has been turning to some wishful math to pay for road repairs. The wishful math includes such tactics as always buying the midgrade gas so consumers don’t feel inadequate and measuring gas input from the base of the pump all the way to the tip of the nozzle.

Lionel Messi has not won over Argentines the way Diego Maradona did, but that may change Sunday in the World Cup final against Germany. We don’t like to look much into omens, but Messi murdering a hooker in cold blood Saturday night and subsequently tattooing an image of Vinny Chase as Pablo Escobar on his chest can only be good for Argentina.

On July 13, 1977, a 25-hour blackout hit the New York City area, but after an impromptu crab-walking contest down 5th Avenue at 3 AM, Hunter S. Thompson would shortly leave.


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