7/12 Monologue Jokes

After potentially serious accidents involving bird flu and live anthrax including one incident in which 62 employees may have been exposed to live anthrax, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut the Atlanta labs and halted shipments of infectious agents. In unrelated news, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics recently discovered 62 more jobs that were created in June.

At age 29, LeBron James announced on Friday that he would return to Cleveland, where he played from 2003 to 2010.  The four-year journey to Miami for James was ultimately successful, resulting in him garnering not one but two packs of the cigarettes that he announced in July 2010 he was stepping out to buy.

In Barcelona, government officials worry that Barcelona’s members-only cannabis clubs are becoming a magnet for marijuana tourism.  Officials are still deliberating over whether Barcelona’s honey clubs are attracting bear tourism, as well as whether the city’s loud noises and bright lights are contributing to Juggalo tourism.

Senate Republicans are blocking legislation that they believe is intended to give a lift to Democrats in tough races.  The Bipartisan Sportsmen’s Act, sponsored by Kay Hagan, D-NC, would have given double voting rights to any constituents who own and workout in those ridiculous five-fingered shoes. However, support for the bill soon waned when even the Democrats realized that those types of people are “just absolute garbage.”

On This Day: On July 12, 1984, the Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale named New York Congresswoman Geraldine A. Ferraro his running mate, making her the first woman to run on a major party ticket. On July 12, 1986, a young Aaron Sorkin discovered that the power of hindsight.

 

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