Bad Interview Answers

In the past month or so I’ve been busy with various interviews, which is always fun and certainly not redundant or boring in any manner.  Anyway, I’ve never tried these responses out, but there’s always next year.  

Q: What’s your greatest weakness?

A: Historically, I’ve had difficulty respecting the privacy and personal space of my co-workers.

Q: Tell me one of your strengths.

A: Let’s just say that I have people who can get things done for me, no questions asked.  I am, what’s the expression, very resourceful. *winks*

Q: Have you ever failed at anything?

A:  I guess you could say that I failed in the third grade, mostly due to the time when I wasn’t able to pass the third grade.

Q: If you had to have dinner with three people, past or present, who would they be?

A: Warren G. Harding, Jackie Chan, and Madea.

Q: Tell me a time you showed leadership skills.

A: For a while my friends would carjack old ladies in the neighborhood and drive around town in Buicks.  I came up with the idea of starting a chop shop, and we were able to really turn a nice profit after our first year.  I also had the idea of expanding to other markets, so we started stealing not just from old ladies but from young and even middle-aged women as well.

Q: Tell me about a time you took the initiative to start something.

A: One time I started a roller coaster theme park and was able to provide a safe, fun, and friendly environment for children of all ages, at least until the water in the Log Flume was judged by some E.P.A. clown to be toxic and we had to close down for a couple months.

Q: What type of work do you like to do best?

A: Any job where I don’t have to wash my hands with any regularity is fine by me.

Q: With which other firms are you interviewing?

A: Kroger, TGI Friday’s, and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  That last one’s like a law firm or something.

Q: What accomplishments have given you the greatest satisfaction?

A: The ones that require the most perseverance such as passing the third grade on the sixth–I think it was the sixth, might have been the seventh–time.  Now that I think about it, it was probably state-mandated that I be moved up a grade.  Still, a monumental achievement.

Q: Why should I hire you?

A: Let me answer your question with a question–why shouldn’t you hire me? I can think of three good reasons: 1) the multiple outstanding warrants for my arrest, and let me just say that if there’s a drug test coming up I can think of a fourth good reason; 2) the incredibly pungent body odor I possess and project; 3) pants. I only have one good pair, and sometimes laundry day falls during the workweek.  These things happen.  Anyway, shouldn’t be a big deal, but if that’s like a pet peeve of yours or whatever, I understand.

If you have any more questions, let me know, or reach out to my primary reference, Todd.  He doesn’t have a cell phone, but if you know your way around nearby bridges and bus stops, you have a pretty good shot of finding him.


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